New Year's Eve Raw TV report

WWE Monday Night Raw

December 31, 2012

Washington, DC

Rob McCarron

Tonight is the night!

- We celebrate New Year's with the WWE Superstars and Divas.

MizTV

The Miz opened up this week's Raw on the stage for MizTV, with Michael Cole saying it was a perfect way to open the show. I disagree. The Miz then did Michael Cole's job of telling us the theme of tonight's event. He announced a "championships on the line type of night." May need a better name next time. The champions would have their choice of opponents as they defend their titles. Miz brought out John Cena. He annoyed John with questions of his relationship with AJ Lee. Miz then brought up a New Year's toast between Dolph and AJ happening later, and that John had been invited. Cena said he'd attend, to show that he and AJ were over. Damien Sandow and Cody's Moustache came out. The four men went back and forth for a bit, interrupted at one point by an "RGIII" chant (in honor of the hometown Redskins' rookie quarterback). Afterwards, Cena got in Cody's face to mock Cody's moustache. Cody was not amused, and then brought up how John had recently been laid out by Dolph Ziggler and AJ's best friend, Big E Langston. Sandow claimed that Cena and Miz had been drowned out by Team Rhodes Scholars. Upset by this, John issued a clean slate to Miz and offered up a Miz/Cena vs Rhodes Scholars match. Miz and Cena ran into the ring for the following...

Miz & John Cena vs Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow

Cena pinned Sandow with an AA. Cole claimed "Cody's Moustache" has been trending for weeks. Quite the accomplishment. Pretty standard tag team affair here, with Miz and Cena showing some veteran team work after only becoming friends within the last half hour. The finish to this one was pretty hot. Cena got a hot tag from Miz, and beat up on Sandow with a few of the 5 Moves of Doom. After the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, though, Cody nailed Cena with his disaster kick. Cody then suffered a Skrull Crushing Finale, and Sandow ate an AA leading Team CeMiz to victory. Cole really put over how good the team of Miz & Cena looked. So, maybe they will become a thing?

Backstage, the WWE New Year's party was in full swing, hosted by Vickie Guerrero. Dolph was there, apparently uninvited. Vickie wished Dolph and his little girlfriend luck with their toast, then announced Dolph vs Sheamus for later.

A promo video played for the January 14 Raw, which will be the 20th Anniversary of Raw. And yes, superstars from the past will be there.

Backstage, again, the holiday party. CM Punk showed up. He brought his doctor in from Chicago to speak on Punk's knee status. Vickie asked Punk who he would have chosen to wrestle had he been healthy, and Punk replied Ryback. Since Punk isn't healthy, Vickie instead put Ryback in a match against The Shield. Before Vickie announced The Shield, Heyman had whispered into Punk's ear, with Punk then whispering into Vickie's ear, to continue the gimmick of Vickie being told who to book. Punk and Heyman put over what a great idea Vickie had.

In the ring, Antonio Cesaro talked about running into his choice of opponent at the Pentagon earlier in the day. His choice...

Antonio Cesaro vs Sgt. Slaughter

Cesaro pinned Slaughter to retain his US Championship in a quick bout with the neautralizer. Cesaro hit his finishing moves after escaping from a Cobra Clutch attempt by grasping the ropes. After the quick match, Cesaro hit Slaughter with a second neutralizer to rub his victory in America's face.

Backstage, Kane and Daniel Bryan were pacing in a locker room. Kane and Bryan were going to pick The Shield as their opponents tonight, but now have to find someone else. Then, we heard horrible screaming in the background. It was 3MB trying to sing. Kane said "Yes" and Bryan started chanting "YES!" to signal their new choice.

Backstage, Ricardo was at the New Year's party. Big Show offered Ricardo a title match. JTG was in the background during these party segments. Kaitlyn brought Mae Young to the party. Eve made fun of Mae. Eve looked around at all the girls and said she has beaten them all. Cameron took exception to that, by the way. Eve then chose Mae Young as her opponent. Dream match!

Kane & Daniel Bryan vs Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre

Bryan pinned Drew after a diving headbutt. This was a swiftly paced match, even while Kane and Drew were in. That may be because the match wasn't that long, so Kane could work more quickly without risk of tiring. The finishing sequence saw Kane reverse a Future Shock into a chokeslam followed by the tag into Daniel to end it. Cole and Lawler were unbearable during this match with a mix of awful jokes and useless trivia that played no part in this bout, or WWE in general. God bless him for, you know, being alive, but commentary standards have fallen again since Lawler came back.

A promo aired for The Rock's return next Monday.

CM Punk Brings a Doctor to Raw

CM Punk, Paul Heyman, and a third man walked down to the ring. Well, in Punk's case, limped with crutches to the ring. Heyman introduced the WWE Champion for all of 2012, CM Punk. Punk put over beating the top names in WWE all during 2012. The champion for the last 407 days claimed that some in the WWE Universe question the validity of his knee injury, so he introduced his doctor from Chicago, Dr. Samuel DeCero. (A name based on the former Super Maxx, owner of WCPW of Chicago, and the trainer of Christopher Daniels). Doctor DeCero showed images of Punk's injury. Punk spoke about his title match next week against Ryback and how he'd go through with the bout, but he was cut off by his doctor who said he couldn't allow Punk to compete. Punk feigned anger, as did Heyman. This brought out the Chairman, Mr. McMahon! Vince said Punk would be evaluated next week by WWE officials to determine if Punk is able to compete. So there's still a way out, I suppose. Vince brought up the rumors again of Punk paying off Brad Maddox and The Shield. Punk denied these claims vehemently. Heyman was upset, as well, telling off Vince. Vince announced that if Punk can't compete, then Ryback would face Paul Heyman next week instead.

Dolph Ziggler vs Sheamus

Dolph and Sheamus went to a No Contest. If you've seen one long Sheamus Raw match in 2012, you've seen them all. At least that's the feeling I get, and this match was more of the same. Sheamus was leading to a victory when Big E Langston interfered by grabbing Sheamus' leg during a Brogue Kick attempt. Dolph went for his sleeper, but Sheamus tossed him out into Big E's arms. Langston set Dolph aside, and slowly made his way to the ring apron, as the crowd grew louder in antipation of a confrontation between he and Sheamus. As the two big men were staring eachother down, Seth Rollins ran in and jumped Sheamus. He was followed by the two other members of The Shield. The group mugged Sheamus, as the Irishman tried his best to withstand the onslaught. He was unsuccessful, however, and The Shield nailed Sheamus with the triple-team powerbomb.

Backstage Segments Reign Supreme

Backstage, Wade Barrett baited Kofi Kingston into picking himself as Kofi's opponent.

Backstage, Brad Maddox's hair interrupted a Punk-Heyman conversation. Maddox was looking for a job, and needed help. Heyman told Maddox to get out of his life, as Punk laughed in the background.

Backstage, at the New Year's party, Mae Young needed medical attention. As she was warming up, Mae was having stomach pains. A doctor was called to check on her. Then, oh man, silliness. Mae was PREGNANT~! In a brilliant bit of comedy, as the doctor announced she was pregnant, Mae groaned "not again!" Then, to undo this comedy, the camera zoomed in on her and she was forced to say the line again awkwardly. More greatness coming, I'm sure.

Eve vs Mae Young...Has Been Canceled

Due to Mae's pregnancy, the Diva's match was off. Eve was looking for a photog to take a picture of her defeating a Hall of Famer, but Kaitlyn ran in and the two brawled for a minute before Eve bailed.

Backstage, Ricardo told Alberto Del Rio that he would win the World title in Del Rio's honor. Del Rio smiled, and gave an emotional pep talk to Ricardo. Del Rio said he knows he has treated Ricardo like dirt, but "You are my dirt." Del Rio tossed Ricardo his keys, and gave him his scarf, and told Ricardo to win the title in style.

Big Show vs Ricardo Ridriguez

Show won via DQ. Ricardo drove to the ring in a red Mercedes, and wrestled in his suit. Show basically toyed with Ricardo, tearing his suit off and beating him down. Then, as Big Show paid too much attention to Del Rio on the outside, Ricardo had some hope! Ricardo hit a boot, and ducked a Big Show charge into the corner. He followed that up with a running enziguri ala Del Rio. However, Ricardo's hope didn't last long. Ricardo tried a move off the middle rope, but jumped right into a chop for Big Show. Alberto couldn't stand seeing Show tear apart his ring announcer, so he ran in and attacked Show from behind. Show, on one knee, ate a superkick from Alberto. Del Rio then got Ricardo out of harm's way and the pair made their way up the ramp as Show stood in the ring angered.

Kofi Kingston vs Wade Barrett

Wade won the title. A solid match ended with Wade ducking a Kofi top rope attack leading to the Bullhammer elbow. Wade kicked out of an SOS earlier, but really wasn't in much danger otherwise. Kofi had kicked out of both a powerbomb and Wade's old finisher, Wasteland, before being done in by the elbow.

Backstage, at the party, Vickie warned Santino and Zack Ryder about the craziness inside. Mae was giving birth to the New Year's baby. We heard a farting sound, with the assumption it was Mae, but alas, it was Vickie. Khali had been holding up Mae's legs for the doctor to deliver the baby. This is all just so absurd. Kane and D-Bry came in, and Bryan, also appalled, starting screaming "No!" Kane and the surrounding wrestlers chanted "Yes!" as Mae gave birth to Hornswoggle. Seek this segment out, if only for the facial reactions of Khali and Tensai.

The Ryback vs The Shield

The fight began before the match started, with the Shield attacking Ryback outside the ring. Even though the fight entered the ring, the bell still never rang. Before too long, Sheamus ran in to avenge the earlier attack by The Shield, and he was followed by Randy Orton. Dean Ambrose smiled when Orton's music hit, which was great. Orton leveled the playing field, and The Shield were tossed out one by one and forced to retreat into the crowd. The Shield's Raw debut match will have to wait until 2013.

Backstage, AJ and Dolph were preparing for their New Year's toast.

Dolph & AJ Lee toast the New Year

This wasn't so much a toast as it was a John Cena bashing. Dolph showed clips of Cena losing at WrestleMania, Brock Lesnar debuting and F5'ing Cena, and Cena losing to Big Johnny. Dolph asked the crowd if they even remembered John Laurinaitis, and mocked John for losing to People Power. Dolph finished up the clips by showing his win over John at TLC. Dolph also mocked John for being the same person for the last ten years, still wearing a baseball cap and shorts. He said it was his time now, and John isn't on his level anymore. Ziggler then gave orders to Big E to stand guard, as John Cena was now uninvited to the toast. AJ toasted Dolph, and the two made out. This brought out John, the recently uninvited guest. Cena came out to say that 2012 wasn't his best year, and that 2012 was indeed the year of Dolph and AJ, if you base it on what they've done lately. Skip ahead to some comedy, John Cena showed some doctored images of what AJ and Dolph's wedding would look like. Dolph was wearing the gown, while AJ wore a suit, and Big E had a dress on in the background. Dolph claimed these not to be real. Then, a what-if photo of Dolph and AJ's baby. AJ was appalled, while Dolph claimed it was a hot baby to appease his girlfriend. Cena then showed an image of AJ's other fake children with random wrestlers of both past and present. Dolph cut off Cena, calling him a loser. 

Then came shooting time! Cena admitted that 2012 wasn't his best year. He's been here ten years, and had one bad season. He told Dolph to look in the mirror, that he's been here seven years and always blamed the administration on not being over. He mocked Dolph for running behind the curtain and crying over being really good and just needing a push. Cena claimed the story of Ziggler goes like this... "First you were a caddy, then you were a cheerleader, then you had blonde hair, then you had brown hair, now you have blonde hair, then you had a large girlfriend, now you have small girlfriend, now you have a large man, and you walk around with a suitcase that has a contract and Valtrex."

After all that, John finished by announcing he had entered the 2013 Royal Rumble match. He noted the irony in AJ wearing a white dress to the toast, and proceeded to watch as a lot of brown stuff, meant to be poop, drop from the ceiling onto Dolph and AJ. The couple screamed in horror as Cena laughed. 

So 2012 ends with a John Cena poop joke. That sums up this edition of Raw.