We are in Washington, D.C. and your announcers are Michael ‘The Capitals win the Stanley Cup’ Cole, John ‘Congress agrees on something’ Layfield, and Jerry ‘Billy Kilmer is the new Redskins quarterback’ Lawler.
John Cena makes his way to the ring and he has something to say. John looks around and he thinks about how half the crowd is cheering for him while the other half is booing him. John says that he stands in the middle of a house divided. It is ironic that they are in Washington D.C., the home of the Democrats and Republicans. The arena tonight is filled with Cenacrats and Rockpublicans with all eyes focused on this Sunday and Wrestlemania.
It is no locker room secret that Dwayne Johnson and him do not like each other. Cena says that he respects the Rock for the superstar that he is and the fact that he can be called WWE Champion. Last year, he would have made some rude, over the line comment about the Rock and he would question Rock’s allegiance to the WWE. Then Rock would come to the ring and insult his family and then throw his shirt in a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.
It is much more because Rock is the current WWE Champion. He has done everything that he said he would do and he conquered ‘it’. John says that he will not waste his time talking about Dwayne’s Johnson.
There is a portion of him that feels the way the people do. He will be facing the greatest WWE Champion of all time on Sunday. John says that means a victory for him is impossible? Just like winning the Royal Rumble and defeating CM Punk for a shot at Wrestlemania was impossible. He says that the Rock’s time is up and his time is now.
On Sunday, they might get a moment they thought was not possible in their lifetime. Rock says that he can cope with failure. Cena says this failure will not be like his previous failure. Cena says that he had to deal with his loss last year for an entire year. Cena says that he had to sit back and watch the Rock usher in The People’s Era.
Cena says that he had to sit behind a curtain and debut a new WWE Championship. It was a title defined for Rock and his legacy.
Rock was able to shove his size 13 and shove it straight in his mouth.
On Sunday, we get absolute redemption. He will dominate 2013. In Rock’s first defense of his precious WWE Championship, the Rock will lose it.
The People’s Era will remain. The WWE Universe will remain. The mighty Rock will experience failure. Rock will have to wake up every day and talk to the millions and (cue crowd) millions. He will have to deal with the failure of a title intended for him to be defended by John Cena. Cena will not replace the new championship. He will hold it as a symbol as a symbol that he is better than the Rock.
Sunday is Wrestlemania. He will shock the world and even the Rock will know that it was made for him, but the Champ is Here.
Michael asks Jerry who will win the Rock/Cena match and it is being Touted. Jerry says that the Rock will win.
Big Show, Sheamus, and Big Show walk in the back as we go to commercial.
Match Number One: Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, and Drew McIntyre versus Big Show, Randy Orton, and Sheamus
Slater and Orton start things off and Slater with a kick. Slater floats over but Orton with a punch and suplex. Sheamus tags in and Orton with a European uppercut and Sheamus with a slingshot shoulder tackle. Sheamus with an Irish whip but Slater with an elbow and punch. Slater with a kick and Drew is tagged in.
Drew punches Sheamus but Sheamus punches back. Sheamus with a power slam and Drew gets into the ropes. Sheamus hits Slater on the apron and Drew with a drop kick from the turnbuckles and Mahal tags in. Mahal kicks Sheamus and he hits a neck breaker and gets a near fall>
Mahal with knees and a cravate. Slater tags in and he punches and kicks Sheamus in the corner. Slater with jabs to Sheamus but Sheamus with a uranage back breaker and both men are down. Show tags in and he clotheslines Mahal a few times. Show with an Irish whip and then he hits a spear. He grabs Slater by the throat as well as Drew. Orton with an RKO to Slater and Sheamus with a Brogue Kick to Drew. Show knocks out Mahal and gets the three count.
Winners: Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Big Show
The Shield’s music plays and they make their way down the aisle and they come together to the ring. They stop halfway down the aisle.
Dean congratulates them on their big victory. He tells them to enjoy their victory because come Sunday, the Shield will not leave them with anything to celebrate. They will be flat on their backs looking at the sky wondering where it went wrong.
Seth congratulates them for finally managing to convince themselves and the ignorant and foolhardy people that they are on the same page. Unfortunately, justice never lies. They know the truth.
Roman says that the truth is that they are not a team. They are not on the same page. These people want to believe in them, but their team is phony. The whole world will believe in the Shield.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Jerry Lawler mentions that Zeb Colter will be wrestling Alberto Del Rio tonight.
We go to comments from Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger from Washington D.C. He says that like Ricardo’s ankle, this country is broken. He knows a man who can fix it. That man is Jack Swagger. Great empires have crumbled because the people became weak. The borders have been weakened and resources have been exploited. Everyone knows why.
It is time to stand up and say no more. In six days, Wrestlemania, real change is coming. Not only will he break the champ’s ankle, he will break the spirits of everyone who has tried to duck the American dream. Alberto will experience change as a Real American stands over Alberto as the World Champion. If you do not like that, you do not deserve to be a Real American.
Matt Striker is in the interview area with Alberto Del Rio. Matt asks Alberto about Jack’s comments. Alberto says that America is the land of opportunity. The Constitution grants freedom of speech. Alberto says that if he does not like what Swagger says, he can do something about it at Wrestlemania. Tonight, he will take care of Jumanji guy. He calls Zeb a piñata that he is about to break.
Match Number Two: Daniel Bryan (with Kane) versus Dolph Ziggler (with AJ Lee and Big E Langston)
They lock up and Bryan works on the wrist. Ziggler stomps on the foot and he works on the wrist. Ziggler with an elbow to Bryan’s arm and then he applies a chin lock. Bryan with a side head lock and shoulder tackle. Bryan catches Ziggler on a leap frog attempt and Bryan catapults Ziggler into the turnbuckles. Bryan with kicks of no to Ziggler.
Bryan with a forearm to the head. Ziggler with an Irish whip but Bryan flips out of the corner and then he hits a flying clothesline. Ziggler gets to the ropes to prevent Bryan from applying the No Lock. Bryan takes Ziggler to the mat and he sets for a surfboard but he decides to drive Ziggler’s knees into the mat instead.
Ziggler with a drop kick to the head and he gets a near fall. Ziggler punches Bryan in the head and then he kicks Bryan and punches him some more. Ziggler runs Bryan’s face across the top rope. Ziggler misses a charge into the corner and Bryan with a Tarantula.
Langston and Bryan stare each other down and Kane thinks about helping his partner but he is too far away. Ziggler with a Fameasser when Bryan returns to the ring and he gets a near fall as we go to commercial.
We are back and Ziggler with a reverse chin lock and a headstand to add more pressure. Bryan gets to his feet and he backs Ziggler into the corner and escapes with an arm drag. Bryan with a kick to a charging Ziggler. Bryan with more kicks of no. Ziggler with a kick of his own but Ziggler misses a Stinger Splash.
Bryan returns to the kicks of no. Bryan misses a round kick and Ziggler tries for an O’Connor Roll but Bryan holds on to the top rope and he connects with a buzzsaw kick. Bryan goes up top but he misses a diving head butt when Ziggler moves out of the way. Ziggler with a kick and a sleeper. Bryan escapes and he applies a sleeper of his own.
Ziggler falls back and gets out of the hold. Bryan tries for the No Lock but Ziggler counters with a jackknife cover and Bryan bridges out. Bryan and Ziggler both go for cross bodies and both men go down.
AJ skips around Kane and while Kane is distracted Langston takes care of Kane with a running body block. Bryan with a baseball slide to Langston. Ziggler with a rollup and he gets the three count.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
After the match, Langston runs over Bryan and then he hits the Big Ending.
Kane gets into the ring and he punches Ziggler and Langston. Kane grabs Langston by the throat but Langston escapes and he hits the Big Ending on Kane.
AJ gives Big E and Dolph the title belts.
We go to commercial.
We are back with the Slam of the Week: Brock Lesnar breaking Shawn Michaels’ arm last August.
Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring and he has something to say.
Shawn says that you didn’t think they would have Wrestlemania without Mr. Wrestlemania. He says that he loves this time of year. The Road to Wrestlemania is ramping up. We have Jack Swagger versus Alberto Del Rio. We have CM Punk versus the Undertaker. And in the main event, we have John Cena versus The Rock.
Shawn says that is not why he is here. There is one match that he is particularly interested in. The match between Brock Lesnar and his best friend Triple H. It hits close to home. There is a ton of history between Brock and Hunter. Shawn says that him and his arm are part of that history. When this became a situation where Triple H put his career on the line, that is when he got concerned. He has a lot of doubts and a lot of questions.
Triple H makes his way to the ring but there is no GameFountain. There is a hug.
Hunter says before Shawn goes to far with this, he knows what he is doing.
Shawn tells Hunter that he does not think that Hunter knows what he is doing. Shawn says that Hunter is under the impression that their things are similar. They could not be any different. Shawn says that when his career was on the line, he was facing a man who he has the utmost respect for. Shawn says that he knew that his opponent felt the same way. Shawn says that he was heartbroken when he lost and his opponent felt the same way. Shawn says that his opponent did not brag about ending Shawn’s career.
Hunter’s opponent does not have an ounce of respect for Hunter, Shawn, the WWE Universe or anyone else. Shawn says that he knows that Hunter does not respect Brock. Brock does it for money and to hurt people. Shawn says that he used to think that this job was his life. Shawn says that was until he met Hunter because Hunter cares about this more than Shawn ever did. Hunter made this job his life. Hunter is putting his life on the line.
Hunter says that he gets it. Hunter tells Shawn that he loves him like a brother, but he will not be able to talk him out of the match.
Shawn says that he is here to tell Hunter that he better kick Brock Lesnar’s ass. Shawn says that he will be in Hunter’s corner to watch him do it.
Shawn talks about ‘two words’ but before he can say them, Brock Lesnar’s music plays and he bounces on the stage and makes his way down the ramp but Paul tries to hold Brock back.
Paul Heyman says that his client has two words for Hunter but he thinks they are different words than Shawn and Hunter are looking for.
Paul wants to lay this on the line. His client, Brock Lesnar, whether you like it or not, will beat Triple H into retirement on Sunday at Wrestlemania. Paul says that it might disappoint everyone, but that is the point of them being here tonight. Hunter will have to learn to live with all of that disappointment. Triple H will disappoint his father in law, the Chairman of the Board because Hunter will not be able to fight Vince’s battles any more. Hunter will disappoint the Board because he won’t be able to do his job. Hunter will disappoint his wife, but he is probably used to that. Hunter will disappoint Shawn Michaels.
Paul wants to know if Shawn wants to be this close to Triple H when Brock beats Hunter down again and maybe . . . possibly breaks his arm again.
Paul says that they fight with emotion and that is why Shawn was forced to retire. Paul says that his client picked this fight and Hunter answered the call. Hunter should have walked away just like Shawn did when he lost at Wrestlemania. Hunter will not be able to walk away. Hunter will crawl away with his tail between his legs, a beaten, battered, emasculated retiree who let down the WWE. Hunter never beat Brock Lesnar. The same Brock Lesnar who has caused the Cerebral Assassin to commit career suicide.
We go to commercial.
We are back and we take a look back at what we saw in the first 75 minutes of tonight’s show.
Michael Cole tells us that Wade Barrett and The Miz will be on the pre-show.
Miz is at the announce table for the next match.
Match Number Three: Wade Barrett versus Zack Ryder
Barrett with a kick and elbow to the back of the head and a kick to the ribs. Barrett with a suplex and he gets a near fall. Ryder drives Barrett into the mat and Ryder with a double thrust to the throat and a baseball slide to Barrett on the floor. Ryder sends Barrett back into the ring and then Ryder goes up top.
Barrett with a forearm to Ryder and then Barrett with shots to the head and then he kicks Ryder off the turnbuckles. Barrett gets a near fall. Barrett with an elbow drop followed by an apparent suplex but we were busy with the cameras on Miz. Barrett gets a near fall and then he chokes Ryder in the ropes. Barrett with knees to Ryder followed by a boot that sends Ryder to the floor.
Barrett goes to the floor and he has something to say to Miz. Miz gets up from the announce table. Barrett sends Ryder into the ring and Miz has something to say to Barrett. Ryder with a flapjack and elbow followed by a flying forearm. Ryder with a running forearm into the corner followed by punches and the Broski Boot.
Ryder gets a near fall. Ryder gets backed into the corner and Barrett with shoulders. Ryder with knees but Barrett grabs Ryder and pulls him to the mat. Barrett unwraps the Bull Hammer and he connects and gets the three count.
Winner: Wade Barrett
Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox are in their office and Santino Marella enters the office. He tells Brad and Vickie that Vince McMahon was yelling in the hallways. Santino says that when Vince is mad, someone gets fired.
Santino tells Brad and Vickie . . . April Fools.
Vickie and Brad whisper something back and forth and they tell Santino that he will be wrestling next.
We go to commercial.
Match Number Four: Santino Marella versus Mark Henry in a Don’t Play April Fools Jokes on Brickie Match
Santino thinks of how to start things off and Mark wants to know if Santino is serious. Santino with kicks and Henry does not move. Henry grabs Santino and Santino grabs the cobra. Henry with a shoulder tackle and then he picks up Santino and hits the World’s Strongest Slam and gets the three count.
Winner: Mark Henry
After the match, Ryback makes his way to the ring.
Mark tells Ryback that he is mad that he didn’t break his bench press record, but that does not give Ryback the right to so call threaten him. Mark reminds Ryback about the No Contact Clause going into Wrestlemania. Mark says that nobody wants to get their hands on Ryback like he wants to. Mark says that he knows that Ryback wants to get his hands on him. There is only one thing that is going to happen tonight and that is smile.
Mark smiles and he leaves the ring but Ryback picks up Santino and uses Santino to knock Mark out of the ring. Ryback tosses Santino onto Henry.
Jack Swagger is talking to Zeb Colter about his match with Alberto Del Rio and we go to commercial.
We are back and Vince McMahon is on Twitter and Michael Cole mentions that Vince has 53,000 followers already.
Matt Striker is with CM Punk and the urn in the interview area. Matt asks Punk if he thinks he is disrespecting the memory of Paul Bearer. Punk says the important question is whether he gives a damn. Punk says that he is trying to get inside Undertaker’s head. He is going to do what no one has been able to do, and that is beat the Undertaker.
Punk says that he will do whatever it takes to win. Taker is coming to scar Punk but Punk only cares about getting the win. Punk says that maybe Taker will get disqualified or counted out. It does not matter because Taker will lose the match.
Punk says that at the end of Wrestlemania, any time someone thinks about the grandest stage of them all, they will think about CM Punk.
We take a look at footage of Jack Swagger breaking Ricardo Rodriguez’ ankle.
We go to commercial.
Match Number Five: Zeb Colter (with Jack Swagger) versus Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez)
Colter backs into the corner to avoid Del Rio. Del Rio puts his arms behind his back while Swagger gets ready to pounce on Ricardo. Colter grabs a crutch and then Swagger takes Ricardo down. Del Rio with a baseball slide to Swagger. Colter hits Del Rio with the crutch and the referee calls for the bell.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio by disqualification
Swagger attacks Del Rio from behind and then Swagger and Colter hit Del Rio with the crutches.
We go to commercial.
We are back and it is time to smell the Rock and he makes his way to the ring.
Rock mentions the connection that he has with the people is the only reason why he is standing in the middle of this ring, right here, right now. This Sunday isn’t about redemption. It is about the will of the people. This Sunday, the will of the people isn’t for John Cena to find redemption.
The will of the people is to see Rock take his size fifteen and curb stomp John Cena’s monkey ass. The will of the people is bigger than John Cena could ever imagine. If the people will it, they can change the world.
Maybe instead of the Rock visiting this town, the Rock will have to live in this town. Then the Rock would live in a big house right up the road . . . a big white house. Maybe we go from President Barack to President The Rock.
He says that will be a heck of an Inauguration Day. Rock says that he would start off the oath with . . . FINALLY
John Cena lost last year at Wrestlemania. Last week, Rock gave Cena a Rock Bottom. On Sunday, John Cena’s time will be never. It is not about Redemption and it is damn sure not about passing the torch. The only way Cena gets that torch is if Rock lights it up on fire and turns it into the biggest fireball and he puts it up Cena’s candy ass.
Cena is not just facing the Rock, he is not just facing 80,000 strong. He is facing a connection that is world wide with the Rock and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions.
The Rock lives for that connection and on Sunday you cannot deny the will of the people and you cannot beat the Rock.
Rock wants us to smell what he is cooking.
Chris Jericho walks in the back as we go to commercial.
Match Number Six: Chris Jericho versus Antonio Cesaro
They lock up and Cesaro backs Jericho into the corner and he slaps Cesaro. Jericho pushes back. Jericho with a side head lock take down and Cesaro with a head scissors. Cesaro with a side head lock and shoulder tackle for a near fall.
Cesaro returns to the side head lock and Jericho with chops. Cesaro runs Jericho into the turnbuckles and then he connects with a forearm. Jericho with a drop kick and a kick to the chest. Jericho with a chop in the corner. Jericho with a suplex and a drop kick to the shoulder for a near fall.
Cesaro with a European uppercut and then he applies a chin lock using Jericho’s arm. Jericho with a chop but Cesaro with an Irish whip. Cesaro with a shot to the eye from the apron but he falls on the turnbuckles when Jericho hits the ropes. Jericho punches Cesaro and then he hits a super rana and he gets a near fall.
Fandango’s music plays and the United States Title falls further into obscurity.
Sue emerges from the Golden Shower Curtain and then she is joined by Fandango.
Jericho watches Fandango and Sue dancing and then we go to commercial.
We are back and Chris and Antonio remember that there is a match. Cesaro with a cravate. We see Jericho hit a springboard drop kick but Fandango only gives him a two. Cesaro with a stomp on the chest and he gets a near fall. Cesaro with a butterfly suplex and he gets a near fall. Cesaro knocks Jericho off the apron.
Cesaro sends Jericho into the ringside barrier and then he gets a near fall when they return to the ring. Cesaro returns to the cravate. Jericho with a running forearm but Cesaro with a Michinoku Driver for a near fall. Cesaro with the Yodeling running European uppercut into the corner and he gets a near fall. Cesaro with punches and the referee warns him.
Jericho with a shoulder tackle or two. Cesaro sends Jericho over the top rope but Jericho lands on the apron. Jericho goes up top and hits a double sledge. Jericho with a bulldog followed by a Lionsault. Fandango makes his way to the ring but Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho but Cesaro counters and rolls through into a gutwrench suplex for a near fall.
Cesaro runs into a boot and Jericho with a forearm. Jericho with a cross body for a near fall. Jericho with a baseball slide to Fandango. Cesaro with an inside cradle for a near fall. Jericho with a double leg take down and he gets Cesaro over for the Walls of Jericho and Cesaro taps out.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Before Jericho can release the Walls of Jericho, Fandango attack Jericho and then he kicks him. Fandango goes up top and he sets for the Fandangobama Jam. Fandango asks Jericho if he thinks he is funny.
Fandango goes up top again and hits another Fandangobama Jam.
Fandango gets the mic and he stands over Jericho and he tells him the proper way to pronounce his name.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Stephanie McMahon will be inducting Trish Stratus into the Hall of Fame on Saturday night.
Who wants to see some Touts about Rock and John Cena.
Match Number Seven: Cameron and Naomi (with Brodus Clay and Tensai) versus Nikki and Brie Bella (with Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow)
Naomi and Nikki start things off and Naomi with a drop kick. Naomi with a leaping butt bump and then she hits a rana. Nikki with a hot shot and she kicks Naomi. Nikki wraps Naomi’s arm in the ropes. Nikki kicks Naomi to keep her from making the tag. Nikki with a hammer lock and she sends Naomi shoulder first into the turnbuckels. Brie tags in and continues to work on the arm.
Brie with an arm bar and wringer. Brie with a leg drop onto the arm and she gets a near fall. Brie with an arm bar. Naomi with punches but Brie sends Naomi to the mat. Brie gets a near fall. Brie continues to work on the arm and uses the ropes. Brie takes Naomi to the mat and returns to the arm bar. Naomi with a sunset flip but Brie gets a near fall.
Brie returns to the arm bar. Naomi with a forearm but Brie with a knee. Naomi with an enzuigiri and both women are down. Cameron tags in and she connects with clotheslines. Brie with an Irish whip and Cameron with a head scissors take down. Cameron with a leg drop to the midsection followed by a kick and an inverted DDT but Nikki breaks up the cover.
Naomi pulls Nikki to the floor. The guys fight on the floor and Cameron with a cross body but Brie rolls through and gets the three count.
Winners: Nikki and Brie Bella
We go to commercial.
We are back and are you ready for an Evisceration? The gong sounds, the lights go blue and Undertaker makes his way to the ring.
Taker tells CM Punk that his historic title reign lasted more than 400 days but the weight on him at Wrestlemania will last an eternity. It was Punk who decided to make this personal. For that, Punk will suffer. Defeating Punk at Wrestlemania is no longer good enough.
The disrespect that Punk has shown Paul Bearer means that Punk will suffer the ultimate price. Punk may be right. In his current state of mind, the streak may come to an end on Sunday. Punk will never live to talk about it.
The Druid Music plays and they make their way along the ramp.
Paul Heyman comes out dressed like Paul Bearer with the urn.
Taker is not entertained and as he makes his way up the ramp, Taker realizes that one of the Druids might be CM Punk. Taker punches one and he grabs another.
One of the druids removes his hood and it is CM Punk. Punk attacks Taker and then Punk hits Taker with the urn. Punk hits Taker in the back with the urn and he tells Taker that it is over. Punk chokes Taker and kicks him. Punk pushes Taker down and then he hits Taker in the midsection with the urn. Punk opens the urn and he pours the ashes onto Taker and throws some in Taker’s face. Punk pours the ashes on him as we go to credits.
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